Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Mountain Lions are Taking Over the World!

Editor's Note: Soooo this post is a week old, it's been sitting on my desktop in Microsoft Word format, just waiting to be read by y'all. Apologies for the delay. Enjoy!

So I’m currently riding on the Presentation College People Mover with the volleyball team down to Madison, S.D; the girls are taking on Dakota State tonight and I wanted to get out of the office need more photos of the team in action, so I said I’d travel along. I’ve got some very important information to share with my audience that has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I don’t know if anyone has heard on the news at all, but mountain lions are everywhere. Seriously. They’ve been spotted around Aberdeen, near my hometown of DeWitt, Iowa, east of Gettysburg, and even a very reliable source has photos of these kitties on their trailcams!

While majestic beautiful creatures, the mountain lion (puma concolor) is still scary as crap. If one was hungry enough, it could probably eat a human alive, or at least your favorite cat, dog, or angus beef steer.  And what’s even scarier is that the Black Hills mountain lion population is growing and migrating farther and farther east.

Oh hey pretty kitty.

This morning my boss and I were discussing these big cats (real important Presentation College work, I know). She gave me a little more MML (Mighty Mountain Lion) info. See, MML’s were introduced into the Black Hills region by homo sapien sapiens (humans for those who don’t remember shit from high school biology).  Well the thing about humans and animals alike is they like to reproduce (some humans shouldn’t. For examples of those who shouldn’t, visit Wal-Mart later today). And the mountain lion population in the Black Hills has steadily been increasing. What’s happening now is that they are struggling to find food. Since they can’t just run into their neighborhood Hy-Vee for some pork loin or prime rib, they’ve begun to search a little harder for food. For instance, digging through garbage cans in back yards, eating farmers’ cattle, and, like I said earlier, migrating east. A very credible source (my wonderful boyfriend after a few BV Diets) told me they once tracked a MML from the Black Hills to western Colorado. I believe him.

Look at me, I lean like a cholo.

These animals are everywhere. And we should know a little more about them. So let me give you some facts about the MML:

·         Mountain Lions are the largest cat in North America, and in South Dakota have no other predators—except for the MMH (mighty majestic hunter) such as myself.

·         MML’s are usually a tawny or light cinnamon color with black tipped ears and tails. Adult male mountain lions can be huge as crap at nearly eight feet and up to 150 pounds (to compare, bobcats get to be around two feet and 30 pounds, like an obese house cat only way more agile).

·         Similar to the Swamp People of Louisiana, they eat a lot of animals, such as deer, mice, squirrels, porcupines, raccoons, rabbits, and beavers (no honey badgers though).

·         It’s estimated that there are over 30,000 MMLs in the western United States. That’s just an estimate. I bet there’s a bunch more.

·         MMLs keep to themselves unless they’re looking to get some booty. Then they look for an easy woman to take home and knock up. Also MMLs have been known to travel anywhere from 10 miles to 370 miles (hmmm Drunk Michael was right).

·         Ok, here’s the kicker: Mountain lions are active hunters who take the kill shot from behind. They’re smart too, going for the base of the skull, bury their kill them come back and eat it later when they’re hungry. I’m sure it’s some sort of pickling process or something.

I have better cheekbones than Zoolander

So basically, these suckers are intense, and can kill you if you’re not ready. My only suggestion—and I honestly think it’s the best—start wearing a pistol belt. Mick Mick the Bullrider has one that I wear around the house sometimes, but I think I’m going to have to convince him to let me wear it all the time. Only safe option I see. And everyone, may I suggest you go to your nearest gun shop and purchase a gun and pistol belt for yourself.

While Boss Lady and I were talking this morning we also discovered on the South Dakota Game, Fish, and Parks website, that there is a MML hunting season. That got me real excited. Ever since the day GFP e-mailed me with the sad news that they won’t give me a buck tag this year and I started crying at my desk, I’ve been looking at some sort or redemption. Yeah, yeah I applied for a doe tag, and I know that’s probably the best thing for me this year because let’s face it, I’ve never had deer fever so I’ll probably still crap my pants when I go to shoot my first doe. BUT! Now that I’ve discovered this mountain lion season, I’ve gotten way pumped. I even told Michael I think it would make a great romantic date for us. Can’t you see it now? Both of us decked out in our camo from head to toe (my sweet goret-tex hunting overalls came in last week, and excuse my friench, but they’re tits.), binoculars hanging around our necks and rifles across our backs as trek across Potter County in the middle of winter in search of the Majestic Mountain Lion to mount on Grandma’s living room wall.  If that doesn’t say two people crazy in love I don’t know what does.

So anyway, you can see I’m really interested in these MMLs. I want everyone to stay safe and buy a pistol and pistol belt, but in the meantime, Michael and I (he doesn’t know it yet, unless he’s read this post) will be applying for MML tags and getting a new mount.

In non-related news the Presentation Football team has started its inaugural season. Let’s hope they get a win this weekend. (Editor's update: they did. Yipee.)


Bus driver:  I appreciate you safely transporting us to Madison, but can you please try and avoid the potholes?

Erin Anderson: Whoa, that’s weird, I’ve never typed your new name. Congratulations on tying the knot. You looked absolutely stunning Saturday. And your reception was a blast and a half. I have bruises on my legs from doing the worm on the dance floor.

Patrick: I don’t know what happened, but you turned into a cool brother. I know Mom and Dad were so happy you surprised them and came home. High fives for you.

Erin Jo: I hope coaching the freshman North Scott volleyball team is going well. I’m sure you’re teaching those youngsters plenty of good volleyball moves. PS. So glad kindergartners are learning to let music take over their souls, just like Happiness.

Abby O: Boeyinker. Haha. 

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